Responding or Reacting?
I cannot say I am totally happy with myself in this moment. I am having too many times when I react to life instead of responding. It has been many years since this behavior has come from me and it is confusing and frustrating. My voice always reveals what I am feeling so it isn't possible for me to hide this from others. I am being just as impatient with myself as I have been with others. I am being gentle & forgiving with myself as I remind myself to be kind to me first. With others, I apologize & I truly make an effort not to do it at all...I am not always successfully. It is embarrassing to say the least. I have precious friends and an amazing family so I receive understanding and forgiveness. I also choose to forgive myself but mainly I just want to stop doing this!!
Sharing this in my blog is difficult and necessary for my own growth and spiritual progress. I teach and lead meditation. Others turn to me for understanding, support, and guidance. What purpose would it serve to hide my own struggles and challenges?! Well, I wouldn't have to expose myself and possibly be embarrassed but I also could not tell them I truly understand. Being able to have them look into my eyes and know that I am human, still learning, still growing is more important than the discomfort I feel in the moment. "No one is perfect" is something I say to myself in the mirror and to others who are judging themselves for what they have said or not said, done or not done.
Where did this need to be perfect come from? I don't remember my parents telling me I had to be perfect. We were a military family and they did have a standard of behavior for us. There were consequences when we strayed too far. Both were intended to teach us to respect ourselves & others, to live honestly, and to do our best to use our gifts and abilities and to help others when we were able to do so.
And yet self-judgement has been one of the things I have recognized in myself and, as a teacher, seen in many others. In my mid-seventies now, I am more accepting of myself and find it natural to forgive myself and others as a step toward being a balanced person. So, when this recent immature display of ego occurred, my first step was to forgive myself. Yes, my spiritual practice is consistent and deeply meaningful to me. Yes, I forgive and support others in different ways when it is appropriate for me to do so. But I am thoroughly human and my behavior can still be ego-based, uncomfortable, and embarrassing. When it is, I make my amends to others and to myself. I also check to be sure my need for encouragement and nourishing are being met.
Shortly after recognizing this, I received an email inviting me to participate in a restorative event based in the ancient practice of yoga nidra and led by a teacher I know well and that I trust. It was online so I attended in my pajamas with my meditation blanket wrapped around me. She taught first and then led us into a deep state of inner healing to allow us to come into balance and harmony within our spiritual/human selves. It was the most wise and loving choice I have made for myself in a while. Like everyone, this experience of dealing with the world-wide pandemic, lock downs, and isolation has taken a toll on me. (This photo is with my friend, Liz, who died last year before there was a vaccine & before she had a chance to be tested or treated. I miss you, my dear.) It is my responsibility now to be gently conscious of my behavior and needs so that I can be sure I am taking good care of myself.
My desire and intention is to be a conscious contributor to creating a more loving and compassionate world. Rather than "getting back" to what we call "normal," let's be open to new ideas of how to nurture ourselves, our relationships and our communities. Think what the new "normal" could loo like!!
Will you join me in being a more conscious creator?
Contact me with questions, appointment requests, or whatever is on your mind and heart: [email protected] Please consider joining my online meditation groupπ
